Just because we can all use a little laugh once on occasion to make life just a little bit easier to live …

Click on the eyeballs!

An Okie-Arkie Family Photo Album

Animal Antics

Maxine-isms

Signs Signs Everywhere are Signs

A young boy had just received his drivers license. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring home good grades, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the use of the car."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..." to which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

Quips

On a Chicago billboard: "Now you can borrow enough to get completely out of debt."

The Federal Personnel Manual carries this revealing sentence: "The death of an employee automatically ends his employment."

Kim and George moved from the big city to the country. Their cat, Simba, enjoyed their new home and quickly became a superb mouser. Kim praised Simba's efforts constantly and soon the cat began leaving the mice in conspicuous places so that George could dispose of them. One morning, courtesy of Simba, George found a dead mouse lying on the sofa next to the television remote control.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except when I had her on a leash."
    The vet examined the cat and said there was no doubt of her pregnancy.
    "But she can't be," protested her mistress. "It's impossible!"
    At that point a large tomcat emerged from under the sofa.
    "How about him?" the vet asked.
    "Don't be silly," said the woman. "That's her brother!"

A woman's teaching career led her to an isolated post in the North, where winter temperatures are subzero. One such morning, a latecomer handed the teacher a note from her mother which read: "Sorry Andrea is late. The rooster froze up."

Customer to computer salesperson: "I'd like to return this laptop. My cat is jealous of it."

Buck, a rancher in Montana, hated to wear a seat belt, but one day he spotted a state policeman behind him and decided to quickly put it on. "Here, take the wheel," he told his wife. She did, but it was too late, and the trooper pulled them over.
    "I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt," the officer said.
    "Yes, I was," the rancher said. "But don't take my word for it. Ask my wife."
    "So how about it, ma'am?" the state policeman said.
    "Officer, I've been married to Buck for 20 years," she replied. "And one thing I've learned in all that time is: never argue with him when he's drunk."

An anesthesiologist was called in late one evening after a teenaged boy was brought to the hospital and taken to the operating room for an emergency appendectomy. He wore jeans and a T-shirt, and had long, flowing hair. Prior to surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if they had any questions. Immediately, the mother leaned over toward him.
     "Doctor," she whispered, "while you have him asleep, could you give him a haircut?"

While in the hospital for some tests, the nurse in charge asked the patient if she would mind having a student nurse insert the IV. The patient agreed only after the student nurse assured her that this was not her first time. Sure enough, the student got the needle properly inserted. "I'm glad this is over," the student said in relief. "It was my first successful attempt."

During their introduction to the stethoscope, in the first year of medical school, their instructor told them of an experience with a previous group of students. When they were sufficiently familiar with the variations in normal heartbeats, they were taken to the surgery ward to learn to recognize the peculiar lubbs and hiccuping dupps of malfunctioning hearts. The first patient was a beautiful blonde, who appeared far less anxious about being examined by the entire group than the students felt about creating a favorable impression on her. The first student approached her calmly placed the stethoscope on her chest and proceeded to listen intently. The room was silent. For a moment the girl hesitated, then looked sympathetically into his eyes. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces in his ears.

Sign posted above the scale in a doctor's office: "Pretend it's your I.Q."

Two little boys in a children's ward were discussing their hospital experiences. "Are you a medical or surgical?" asked one.
     "I don't know what you mean," the other answered.
     The first boy, who had been a patient in the ward for some time, looked scornfully at the newcomer. "Were you sick when you got here," he explained, "or did they make you sick after you came?"

When the woman's son was born, her father-in-law, whose first grandchild it was, phoned the hospital to see how mother and baby were. On hearing his name, the nurse assured him that his wife and child were fine.

"Oh, dear, no," he stammered. "I'm not the husband – just the father!"

The poet Heinrich Heine bequeathed all his property to his wife on condition that she remarry immediately. "Because," said Heine, "there will then be at least one man to regret my death."

For-sale ad in Gary, Indiana Post-Tribune: "Stair-stepper with exercise video. Equipment new, owner old."

Item in the London "Times:" "The Clairvoyant Society will not have its usual meeting this week, due to unforeseen circumstances."

From the Columbus, Ohio, Citizen: "A study by three physicians showed that perhaps two out of three births in the US result from pregnancies."

From the Tujunga, California, Record-Ledger: "Rev. Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
    The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
    The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
    "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
    "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A Texarkana husband sued his fifteen old wife for divorce on the grounds that she acted like a child.

"Someone did a study of the three most-often-used phrases in New York City," says David Letterman. "One is 'Hey, taxi!' Two is, 'What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?' And three is, 'Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.'"

Parents Law: By the time you're right, you're dead.

Every day, Jim and Carl go out for a morning jog, accompanied by Jim's dog Barney. Without fail, Barney always stays at Jim's side – with the exception of one morning. The men had just finished a vigorous three-mile run when, about 200 yards down the street, a man began loading furniture onto a van. Suddenly, Barney sprinted forward, perused the items, lifted his leg and "christened" a couch.
    Mortified, Jim ran up yelling at Barney. Then he began apologizing profusely to the man.
    "Oh don't worry," the man told Jim with a sly grin. "My wife and I just got a divorce, and she got all the furniture. Would your dog like to try for the coffee table?"

Mother to teenage daughter: "Tonight was your little brother's turn to choose the meal. We're having gum."

One reason why teenagers prefer sleeping on the top bunk: they can look down at the floor and get an aerial view of their entire wardrobe.

Six year old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother.
    "Papa was hanging pictures and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry.
    "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big boy like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
    "I did," sobbed Jerry.

"What the heck's happened to you!" the husband exclaimed when the wife entered the living room with her hair bristling with curlers.
    "I just set my hair" she replied.
    "Well," he asked, "what time does it go off?"

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

Wife to lounging husband: "Somehow, I find it a little difficult to envision you as the end product of millions of years of evolution."

Wife to husband watching TV: "Doesn't anything insult your intelligence?"

Proud mother, holding infant, tells visitor: "He's eating solids now—keys, newspapers, pencils..."

A young couple was called to heaven before they were married. The disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if it was still possible for them to be married. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. "Check back after fine years, and if you still want to be married, we will talk about it." Five years passed and the couple came back, repeating their request.
    "Sorry, you must wait another five years," St. Peter told them. Fortunately, after the wait, St. Peter told them they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they had made a mistake. They went to see St. Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.
    "What?" St. Peter asked. "It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"

One evening, Fred was getting out of the shower when his wife called, asking him to turn off an iron she had mistakenly left on in the basement before she left for the weekend. Thinking no one would see him, he ran down the stairs into the dark basement without even a towel on. As he flipped on the light switch, he was shocked to hear dozens of people yell, "Surprise!" His wife had orchestrated the secret party to celebrate his 40th birthday.

Browsing in a souvenir shop, the man next to Tom struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling Tom that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."

Did you here about the man that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on him.

Billy sat obediently as his mother explained how lucky their family was. Then she told him why – Billy would soon be a big brother. The next day, Billy ran to tell his teacher the good news. "Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!" he yelled. "My mom got lucky last night and now she's going to have a baby!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only was to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
    Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
    "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

One day a Coast Guard Auxiliary member delivered a water-safety speech to a group of Brownies. Having served a career in the Air Force before joining the auxiliary, he wore a chestful of award ribbons. After his talk a little girl in the front row raised her hand and asked him how he had gotten so many medals. He pointed to the top half and said, "The Air Force gave me these." Then he pointed to the lower half and said, "The Coast Guard gave me these."
    The little girl paused, frowned and replied, "In the Brownies, we have to earn them."

A father blew up while trying to mediate the usual family hassle around the dinner table. "Everybody wants his own way around here!" he hollered. "Me, I'm just the poor schnook of a father. When do I get my way for once?"
    Four year old Mark tugged at his sleeve and suggested, "Cry a little."

Child arriving home from school, "We learned all about sex today. Big deal!"

During worship service, the pastor invited all the children to the altar for a "children's moment sermon." With seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients to make up a church, using a chocolate chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding the cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"
    A shy six year old raised his hand and replied, "Six less grams of fat."

One day, while her daughters, ages 8 and 9, were home sick, they insisted that their mother play Trivial Pursuit with them, even though she thought the game was too advanced for them. The older sister landed on the entertainment square, and so the other girl read the question: "Who said, 'I never met a man I didn't like?'"
    Not knowing the correct answer (Will Rogers), the older girl thought a bit and then said, "Madonna."

When a couple went to the local pre-school to pick up their 4 year old son, they asked the teacher about his behavior. Smiling, the teacher commented on how bright and attentive he was. Proud that his behavior reflected positively on their home life, they watched as their son and a group of boys and girls played in the miniature kitchen area nearby. Suddenly, their son stepped up to the toy refrigerator, flung open the door, and exclaimed at the top of his lungs, "Hey! Anybody want a beer?"

At a military wedding, the groom, only recently back from Europe, had hardly glimpsed his bride before the ceremony. Therefore, when the time came for the kiss, it was a long one, lasting on and on until a child's voice rang out in the silence of the church: "Mommy, is he spreading the pollen on her now?"

A grandmother was telling her 9 year old granddaughter the story of the Princess and the frog. "When the little frog rescued her golden ball from the well, the princess was so grateful she let him spend the night in her room," the grandmother said. "And the next morning when she woke up, he had turned into a handsome prince, and they were married and lived happily ever after."
    The little girl looked at her grandmother quite dubiously.
    "Don't you believe the story?" the grandmother asked.
    "No," she replied. "I don't. And I'll bet her mother didn't either!"

Small boy to a friend: "My mother tried to tell me the stork doesn't bring babies. What a wild story she gave me!"

Small boy to a small girl: "Are you the opposite sex, or am I?"

In exasperation, the mother of a four year old girl said, "If you keep sucking your thumb, you'll eventually blow up like a balloon!"
    The next day, the mother and her daughter attended a small social gathering. Among those present was a woman who was obviously pregnant. The little girl spotted her and couldn't contain herself. She walked up to the expectant mother and said, "I know what you've been doing!"

Four year old Larry told his older cousin that he could spell his name. When asked to do so, the boy responded, "L-A-R-R-Y, Enter."

A woman visiting in Florida one winter was taken by friends to a plush night club. When she entered the restroom she discovered a large mural of Adam, wearing only a fig leaf. A signed warned customers: "Do Not Lift the Fig Leaf." But the visitor's feminine curiosity got the better of her, and she upped the leaf. Bells began to ring, sirens sounded, plaster fell and bedlam set in. She turned and ran out the restroom door – only to be blinded by a giant spotlight, while the band blared fanfares.

Mark Twain met a friend at the races one day in England. This friend came up to him and said, "I'm broke, I wish you would buy me a ticket back to London."
    "Well," Mark said, "I'm nearly broke myself, but I will tell you what I'll do. You can hide under my seat and I'll hide you with my legs."
    The friend agreed to this.
    Then Mark Twain went down to the ticket office and bought two tickets. When the train pulled out his friend was safely under the seat. The inspector came around for the tickets and Mark gave him two. The inspector said, "Where is the other one?"
    Tapping his head the humorist said in a loud voice, "That is my friend's ticket! He is a little eccentric and likes to ride under the seat."

The pastor of a small local church started his children's sermon by holding up a picture of a deer and asking if anyone knew what kind of animal it was. There was silence from the group from a while, and then one boy guessed that it was a moose. "No", the pastor said, "but you're close". More silence as the kids tried to think what animal it could be. One girl thought it might be a cow, but she was also incorrect.
    "Let me give you a hint", said the pastor. The name of this animal is the same as a name your mother might call your father when she's feeling affectionate".
    Immediately, little Johnny's hand shot up and he proclaimed, "I know, I know, that's a horny devil!"

The order of service of the Congregational-Christian Church of Red Cloud, Nebraska, listed the sermon topic, "Gossip." Immediately following was the hymn, "I Love to Tell the Story."

The Lord's Prayer has had to withstand considerable abuse, especially from children trying to learn it from poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy was heard to pray, "Harold be Thy name." Another begged, "Give us this day our jelly bread." A child in New York petitioned, "Lead us not into Penn station."

In her book Smile Please, Mildred Spurrier Topp recalls the day she and her sister decided to send a valentine, supposedly from their widowed mother, to a prominent judge who had shown marked, if discreet, signs of interest. Mildred wanted to use a new word she had heard in Sunday school. "I'm not sure what it means," she confessed to her sister, "but it's in the Bible, so it must be OK. Besides, it was used about King Solomon, so it's bound to be romancy enough for a valentine."
    That's how the judge came to receive a gaudy, lace-bedecked valentine that read:
,br>         If you will be my valentine,
        I will be your concubine...

A little boy, aged five, was playing with the small daughter of new neighbors. They had been wading at the lake, and finally decided the only way to keep their clothes dry was to take them off.

As they were going back into the water, the little boy looked the little girl over. "Gosh," he remarked, "I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants!"

After hearing his first confession, the young curate went to the older priest and asked, "Well, Father, how did I make out?"
    "My son," said the priest, "you did very well. But one suggestion: When you hear the confessions of these pretty young women, it would be a bit more seemly if you went 'tsk! 'tsk! 'tsk! and not 'WHEE!'"

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday school after having been taught a lesson on the devil. One little boy was overheard saying to the other, "What do you think about all this devil business?"

The other youngster replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
    To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS???"

The wife of a middle-aged business executive met him at his office late one afternoon. As they were going down in the elevator, it stopped and a high-octane secretary got on. Poking the executive in the ribs, she said gaily, "Hello cutie pie!"
    Unperturbed, the executive's wife leaned over with a smile and announced, "I'm Mrs. Pie."

At a reception a woman was talking to a friendly stranger who had arrived late. "I don't know what's the matter with that tall man over there," the woman said rather querulously. "He was so attentive awhile ago, but he won't look at me now."
    "Perhaps he saw me come in," the stranger replied. "He's my husband."

Hurrying to finish her last errand at a card shop, a woman accidentally locked the keys in her car. She called her husband at work, but he was out of the office, so she left a message. After a while, she phoned her mother for a ride and then waited in the store for help. Impatient, she went outside and tested the driver-side door. To her surprise, it opened. Feeling foolish, she quickly locked the door so she wouldn't be found out. Just then, the store manager walked out and called to her: "Your husband came by and unlocked your door."

"Here's the scenario," the instructor announced to his class of novice truck drivers. "You're in an 18 wheeler with a heavy load, barreling down a mountainous two-lane highway. Ed, your co-driver, is asleep. There are six trucks behind you, and as you come over the top of a hill, they pull out beside you to pass. Suddenly, you see several trucks coming in the opposite direction, pulling into your lane to pass. What do you do?"
    "That's simple," a student called out. "I'd wake up Ed."
    "Why would you do that?" the instructor asked.
    "Because," replied the student, "Ed ain't never seen a truck wreck like this before!"

An American professor met three staid members of the Académie-Française in Paris and asked for their definition of savoir-faire, which he wanted to include in his modern dictionary. "Eet is not deefeecult," one said. "Eef I go home and find my wife kissing another man and I teep my hat to them and say: 'Excuse me,' that is savoir-faire."
    "Not quite," said the second. "Eef I go home and find my wife kissing another man and I teep my hat and say: 'Excuse me. Continue,' that is savoir-faire."
    "No – not quite," rumbled the third, fingering his beard. "Eef I go home and find my wife kissing another man and teep my hat and say: 'Excuse me. Continue,' and he can continue – he has savoir-faire."

A missionary in Brazil, running a camp near the Pananá River, was often tempted to swim in the waters on days when the temperature reached 120 degrees, but was leery because of the man-eating fish. His neighbors assured him, though, that only while swimming in schools do piranhas bite people, which they never did in that part of the river. So each afternoon for the rest of the summer, the man enjoyed cooling off in the river. Months later, the man heard reports that a local fisherman had fallen out of his boat and had not been found. Alarmed, the man asked his neighbors if perhaps the man had been eaten by piranhas.
    "Oh no," came the reply. "Only while swimming in schools do piranhas bite people, and they never swim in schools around here."
    "But why not around here?" the man asked.
    "Oh," his neighbor casually replied, "they never swim in schools where there are alligators."

The green-eye shadow fad swept through a company's office girl staff like a plague one summer. One particularly hot, humid day, a group of visiting engineers came to tour the building, and one of them asked the guide if he could check the humidity controls. After studying the dials a long time, he turned to the office manager and said, "Just as I thought. It really should be much lower. Your girls are beginning to mildew."

Each year, the company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When they were told that they would not be able to reserve their usual location, the president's secretary, Gail, spent many hours on the phone trying to work out alternative arrangements. Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into her boss's office. "Great news Scott!" she announced. "We're getting our regular room at the hotel!"
    All eyes were on Gail as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.

A publisher's secretary incurred his ire by presuming to make some necessary grammatical changes in a letter he had dictated. "I want my letters typed exactly as I dictate them!" he stormed. "Is that quite clear? Now take this." That afternoon, the secretary planked this letter on his desk:

"Dear Smythe: The idiot spells it with an 'e.' Thinks it's aristocratic. His old man was a janitor. With regard to your letter of – look it up. Anybody who can read that handwriting deserves a medal. You ask the best discount we can allow on 5000 juveniles, assorted titles. In order to make any profit at all we cannot go above – hey, Lew, what do you think Smythe will stand for on that juvenile deal? 45%? Hmmmmm – our accountants figure that 43% is the furthest we dare go. The extra 2% is for that damn 'e' he sticks on his name. Trusting to receive your esteemed order, etc. etc. etc."

A particular wallpaper hanger usually works in solitude in homes while the owners at their jobs. But one day, hanging paper in a suite of offices, he forgot he wasn't alone. When a piece of paper failed to stick, he let go a string of expletives. Embarrassed, he turned and saw the computer operator, whose office he was papering, staring at him. "Sorry," he muttered. "That's paper-hanging talk."
    "Don't worry about it honey," she replied. "It's computer talk, too."

"He spends much of his time before a mirror, admiring himself and carefully arranging his hair. He is more with his barber than with his teachers. Were he bald, he would be better educated."
    This lament is from a Roman father of the first century, writing to a friend about his teenage son.

From a card in a Moroccan hotel room: "Males and snacks may be served in your room at any time. Please call room service."

Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas: "Evening Special: Men dine half-price when accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."

From a business card of a Chinese restaurant in Saddle Brook, NJ: "Mandarin, Szechuan and Human Cuisine."

A notice in the Bridgeton, New Jersey, Evening News: "Elder Valese, pastor of the Soul Stirring Church, Brooklyn, will speak here at eight o'clock. She will bring a quart with her and they will sing appropriate selections during the service."

Daily special listed on an office cafeteria board: "Chicken Condom Bleu"